There’s a deep heartache that comes with watching someone you love self-destruct. It’s painful, frustrating, and often leaves you feeling helpless.

I know this feeling all too well.

I have a family member who is an alcoholic. He’s also angry—angry at the world, angry at himself, angry at anyone who tries to get close. And I love him so much. I have loved him my entire life. I know his heart and it is so beautiful. I wish that he could see his own potential, that he would stop hating the world and see it for the beauty that God made. I wish that he would see how loved he really is instead of listening to the lies that Satan has told him for so long—that he is unloved and unworthy of love. For years, I have tried to help, to fix things, to be the steady one, the voice of reason, the safety net. But eventually, I had to come to terms with a difficult truth: I can’t save him.

Only Jesus can.

Loving Without Losing Yourself

As Christians, we are called to love others. Jesus tells us, “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31). But sometimes, in our attempt to love, we forget the “as yourself” part. Loving others doesn’t mean losing yourself in their chaos. It doesn’t mean sacrificing your peace, your family, or your well-being to try to rescue someone who doesn’t want to be rescued.

I’ve had to learn— the hard way—that boundaries are not just healthy, they’re biblical. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Guarding your heart doesn’t mean shutting people out or being unkind; it means protecting the space where God works in your life. When we allow toxic behaviors to overrun our peace, we aren’t just harming ourselves—we’re limiting what God can do in us and through us.

Jesus is the Savior, Not Us

For a long time, I thought if I just said the right thing, if I just prayed hard enough, if I just showed up one more time, I could change him. If I just led by example and showed him that we are not our trauma, our past, then just maybe he would see it. But I can’t. And that realization—while incredibly painful—has also been freeing. It has taken the immense pressure of. The need to save him.

John 14:6 says, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” Jesus is the way, not me. My job is to love, to pray, and to trust that God is working even when I don’t see it.

Healthy Boundaries Are Biblical

Even Jesus had boundaries. He withdrew from crowds to pray (Luke 5:16). He didn’t heal everyone who asked (John 5:1-9). He spoke truth even when people didn’t want to hear it (Matthew 19:16-22). And He never let someone else’s brokenness pull Him away from His purpose.

Boundaries are not about giving up on people. They are about acknowledging that you are not their savior. You can’t carry their cross for them. Galatians 6:2 says, “Carry each other’s burdens,” but just a few verses later, in Galatians 6:5, it says, “Each one should carry their own load.” We can help, but we can’t do the work for them.

Protecting Your Own Family and Peace

One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn is that even family members can be toxic, and allowing their influence to seep into my home can disrupt the peace God has given us. As much as we love someone, we also have a responsibility to protect our own little family—especially our children.

Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” As parents, we are called to create an environment of peace and faith for our children, and that sometimes means setting firm boundaries with family members who bring chaos, addiction, or anger into our space.

Loving someone does not mean allowing them unlimited access to our lives. We can still love them, still pray for them, and still hope for their redemption—while also keeping a protective boundary for our own well-being and the well-being of our children.

Hope in the Waiting

If you have someone in your life who is struggling—whether it’s addiction, anger, or destructive choices—let me encourage you: Love them, pray for them, but don’t take on the weight of their choices. You were never meant to carry that burden.

That’s Jesus’ job.

And He is so good at it. He doesn’t force Himself on anyone, but He also never stops pursuing. There is always hope. Sometimes, we have to let people go so that God can do what only He can do.

So if you’re in this place right now—hurting because you love someone who is lost—know that you’re not alone. And more importantly, know that Jesus loves them even more than you do.

Keep praying, keep trusting, and keep your peace.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

Have you struggled with setting boundaries while still loving someone from a distance?

Let’s continue this conversation in the comments below.

Heavenly Father,

Thank You for Your endless love and grace. I lift up those in my life who are lost, struggling, and bound by addiction or pain. Lord, I let go of the burden of trying to save them and place them fully in Your hands. I trust that You are at work even when I don’t see it. Give me wisdom to set healthy boundaries, courage to protect the peace of my home, and faith to believe in Your power to redeem.

Lord, I pray for their hearts to soften, for their eyes to be opened to Your love, and for them to see themselves as You see them—worthy, loved, and redeemable. May they turn to You and find healing.

Help me to continue loving them without losing myself, to pray without ceasing, and to trust You in the waiting. Thank You for carrying burdens I was never meant to carry.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.