I am just going to say it.

Establishing boundaries has been one of the most challenging aspects of my motherhood journey.

Growing up in an environment where boundaries were unclear and emotions were suppressed, this process has been unfamiliar and often filled with guilt. I often feel compelled to give my all to demonstrate my love for others, even when it isn't reciprocated. I continue to support those who do not support me. I often will say to myself that Jesus said to love everyone. However, I am learning that boundaries are not about self-sacrifice or creating distance; they are about nurturing love, respect, and understanding.

Setting Boundaries with Love

When my daughter was born, she spent two months in the NICU as a preemie. It was the beginning of Covid, and I wasn't allowed to stay overnight, so I watched her on the camera. If she cried, she wasn't attended to unless it was a medical concern. This deeply affected me. I grew up with an emotionally distant mother who had her own struggles. Unlike her mother, who was physically or verbally abusive, she often shut down emotionally. I vowed that my daughter would never doubt if she was loved and could come to me with anything. I promised she would understand her emotions and learn to manage them, rather than shutting them off. I committed to building a relationship based on respect, love, and trust. To achieve this, I had to relearn how to love, which included understanding boundaries.

I have turned to my Bible more over this topic, than any other topic that I have ever struggled with. I’ve found that Jesus himself modeled healthy boundaries. In Luke 5:16, we see that “Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.” Even with the constant demands on Him, He knew when to step back and recharge. Another example is in Mark 1:35-38, where Jesus prioritized His mission over the expectations of others, saying, “Let us go somewhere else—to the nearby villages—so I can preach there also. That is why I have come.” These examples remind me that boundaries are essential, even in the most loving relationships.

For me, this involves establishing boundaries around rest and self-care to ensure I can fully support my family. I often prioritize taking care of everyone else to the point where I neglect or lack time for myself. My husband and I have a phrase we use when we need to step back or manage our emotions: "I need to tap out." This signals to him that I'm reaching my limit while also protecting my child's feelings, as she is always listening. I would never want to say, "I am about to lose it!" and have her think it's because of her (she is 4). I spend an hour at the gym for uninterrupted "me time," allowing me to clear my mind, avoid obligations, and just be myself. Communicating these boundaries with kindness and clarity has helped my family understand that they’re meant to preserve everyone's health and well-being, not to exclude anyone. I am a better wife, mom, daughter, sister, and friend when I can regroup and recharge.

Boundaries Around the Body

Having experienced childhood sexual abuse, setting boundaries around my body with my daughter has been crucial to my own healing. After nursing my her for two years, I felt my body wasn't my own, and I struggled to balance my needs with what was best for her, especially as a preemie. I've worked hard to create an environment where touch and affection are based on mutual respect and consent. For example, I teach my daughter that her body is hers and that it's okay to refuse hugs or other physical contact, even with family. This has empowered me and taught her the importance of personal boundaries and autonomy. By fostering this understanding, I'm breaking cycles of silence and ensuring my child grows up feeling safe and respected in her own skin. I hope that if she's ever in a difficult situation, she'll speak up and set strong boundaries around her body. I also hope she would feel comfortable talking to me about any situation. I didn't know that what was happening to me was wrong. Those boundaries were never taught, and the lines were blurred until I learned from health class and a therapist in high school. Breaking those generational patterns are the hardest but most important part of motherhood for me.

Faith as a Guiding Anchor

Faith has been my anchor throughout motherhood. I did not have good examples and don't have older adults in my life that I can turn to for advice in that topic. In moments of doubt or struggle, I’ve leaned into prayer, scripture, and my spiritual community for strength and perspective. Knowing that I’m not alone in this journey gives me the courage to keep moving forward.

One scripture that has deeply resonated with me is Romans 12:2: “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” This verse reminds me that change is not only possible but necessary. It’s a call to embrace a new way of thinking rooted in love and grace.

I also believe that God wants us to heal and be free of the trauma that weighs us down. In John 8:36, it says, “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” This freedom isn’t just for us; it’s a call to use the chains we’ve broken as tools for good. God desires for us to create the next generation rooted in love and faith, breaking cycles of pain and replacing them with hope and joy.

Practical Steps for Creating a Healthy Family Environment

Here are some steps that have helped me along the way:

1. Self-Reflection: I’ve made time to reflect on my values and the life I want to create for my family.

2. Educating Myself: I’ve read books, listened to podcasts, and sought out resources on healthy parenting, emotional intelligence, and boundary-setting.

3. Communicating Openly: I’ve shared my journey with my family, explaining the changes I’m making and why they’re important. Open communication has fostered understanding and support.

4. Seeking Support: Building a healthy family environment is hard work, and I’ve leaned on friends, a faith group, and even therapy for guidance and encouragement.

5. Praying and Meditating: I’ve made prayer a daily practice (try to!), trusting that God is with me every step of the way. I often pray and ask Jesus to hold my hand. I need him to guide me, show me what it means to love respectfully. I have no clue what I am doing and need him to walk me through this motherhood journey.

   
   

A Legacy of Love and Freedom

Creating a healthy family environment isn’t about blaming those who came before me.

Instead, it's about acknowledging that growth requires change. When you know better, you do better. My mother is an incredible mom, she has her faults, as we all do. We have worked through so much over the years and she is a fantastic grandmother. She did what she could at the time, with the resources she had available to her. It has taken years of communication, boundaries and truth to shift our relationship. I have been estranged from my father since my teenage years and will keep that hard boundary for as long as I live to keep my daughter safe. By setting these boundaries and leaning on faith, I’m creating a legacy of love, resilience, and freedom for my daughter.

Motherhood has been a powerful force for transformation in my life. Every step I take to nurture my family with intention is a step toward shaping a brighter future. And through it all, I’m reminded that this journey of faith, love, and courage is one of the greatest gifts I can give Luci. If I have to face uncomfortable truths, set hard boundaries and break generational patterns to ensure that she does not have to carry this torch, I will gladly look to Jesus for help.

What has been the hardest part of motherhood for you? How can I pray for you today?